This ancient news just in!

Jesus Christ was highly criticized by his opponents for his past associations with anti-social scum of the earth.

"Associates with Scum"

The Holier Than Thou Congregation (whose membership overlaps somewhat with the Hyper Conservative Congregation, press release) pointed out that many, many, many people Jesus spoke with, hung out with, ate and drank with, touched, and formed various other associations with, were scum bags.

"How can a guy who thinks he's Holy go around with such scum?" one angry person proclaimed.

"If this man were really a prophet, he would know the woman who is touching him is an awful sinner!" another religious person chimed in.

At a recent "I Hate Jesus" rally the foment was palpable.

Some people chanted, "We hate Jews." But they were quickly whisked away.

Other people cried out, "He can't hold a job! HE HAS NO JOB! He just goes around mooching off of others!"

High Priest Wannabe, "Yeshua is a Coward and Traitor"

An unidentified source told us one of the people vying to be the next High Priest said, "We need a High Priest who will attack the Romans like a pit bull. This Yeshua character must be a coward and a traitor since he only talks about 'love' and helping our enemies!

"What kind of traitor prays for one's enemies?! What kind of traitor does good to one's enemies?!

"If a person doesn't praise our High Priest with lavish laudations it must surely mean he doesn't support the troops, the Zealots, and wishes defeat on us all."

"Failed Community Organizer"

Another esteemed leader had harsh words for Jesus, "He is just a failed community organizer. I mean, have you seen the ramshackle and ragamuffin crowds that follow him like he's some kind of Messiah?

"Both men and women follow him like a little puppy, all googley-eyed, and hanging on his every word.

"But at the same time, Yeshua says such crazy things that many of his followers often become former-followers, that is, when they finally get to know the 'real' Yeshua and see and smell the few followers he does have. Ha ha.

"Clearly it shows Yeshua has no sense at all with regard to community organizing.

"And did I mention that ALL of his followers are SINNERS!?"

"Anti Family Values Rhetoric"

Yet another Jesus detractor told us about Jesus' "anti-family values" rhetoric. The detractor, who wished to remain anonymous due to unconstitutional and illegal surveillance methods, informed us, "This Jesus kook said that he came to bring division to each family. He said he would cause 'fathers to be against sons, mothers to be against daughters' and other sayings indicative of being against family values.

"Clearly Yeshua is against our very dear family values since he is obviously not married and he has no children. Why just take a look at his life, he just wanders around, homeless, and sponges off of others!

"It may be he has many lovers in many towns. He sure makes the rounds; he goes all over Israel, spends some time here, goes over there, and hangs out (with sinners), then makes his way someplace else. I bet he has dozens of lovers.

"In fact, we have witnesses who say they've seen women, and men, make certain kinds of advances towards him. But he must know we're watching, because he has turned down, quite tactfully, every one of them.

"He even stopped the stoning of a woman caught in the act of adultery! A home-wrecker! Then he said he didn't condemn her!

"Surely this man is against our lovely family values. It couldn't be any more clear."