This fake news just in!

Excess Baggage Removal: Employees

Yesterday, the last 3 companies with non-executive employees announced it had fired them and removed them "as excess baggage dragging our stock price down, and hurting our earnings."

In a joint press release Out of the Sea Inc., Out of the Earth Inc., and Mystery Inc. announced, "We can now confidently say that everyone who is with our company is 100% happy. We no longer have any whining employees, disgruntled employees, or anyone else who works for us who complains.

"Now that all our machines have been built, processes put in place, automated systems maintain everything, computers make all our calls, and computers answer all our calls, we no longer need anyone except ourselves, upper management."

Stock Price Soars

Their stock prices soared on the news.

When asked for a comment, one former employee stated, "I'm kind of glad they fired me, I couldn't stand the 80+ hour weeks any longer. Working every day of the week is exhausting. Nothing is sacred to them."

Another employee added, "I'm only 40, but they forced me in to early retirement, then withdrew my benefits later that afternoon."

Not So Secret Strategies

For the past few decades companies have had to take drastic measures to protect executive salaries and bonuses.

"We sat on each other's boards and voted each other huge pay packages and golden parachutes."

After striking it rich moving jobs from the United States to Mexico where they took advantage of the impoverished Central and South Americans, paying them less than one tenth of US Citizens, and taking advantage of limited or un-enforced human rights, worker safety, and various regulations, there was another hooray as they found even more suffering and rushed to take advantage of it in the Far East.

Mystery Inc. said, "I don't know how those Chinese can have so many people with their one-child-per-family policy, but we are working with the heads of state to eliminate that policy so we can create even more hungry mouths to feed and even more demand for limited resources, thus ensuring a continued flow of desperation which means we can pay even less than we do today."

Their stock price soared on the news.

Possibility of Bringing Jobs Back

Mystery Inc. added, "Currently we're working with the US Government and the governments of all countries in the Americas to explode human populations around the US so that we can increase desperation to the levels of the Far East. That way, we might, and I want to emphasize might, be able to bring a few jobs back to the US, but it only makes sense for us to do that when wages reach $0.01 per hour."

In related news all three companies announced they were completing plans with the Humongous Management-only Organizations (HMOs) and the Conflict of Interest Consortium to ensure that every elderly person had all their savings sucked up and their children would not have one cent of inheritance.

In more related news the "Big 3" announced the governments of the world had turned over authority to them. "We are glad that the governments of the world have seen fit to enhance their status by outsourcing all responsibility to our 3 companies. Now the leaders of the world can sit back and focus on their core competencies: eating, drinking, and being merry."

In still more related news the Big 3 announced the completion of plans to make it easy for everyone to buy and sell. There will be a simple logo placed on a convenient body part. "This will make it easy for everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to buy and sell our wonderful items we all so greatly desire."